I'm not being envious...
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Same work...more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them... but even if they did, you wouldn't give a d***!
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, ALL the d*** time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
* You can kill your own food.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* If you are 35 and single, nobody notices.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. * You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes.